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Sunday, August 13th, 2006
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7:05 pm - One Last Breath
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by Creed:
Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down
I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out 'Heaven save me'
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down
I'm so far down
Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking...
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down
Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It might have been noted I've withdrawn from yet more areas on the web I had been wont to haunt. Demands on my time and energy got such that I had to go no mail/stop responding to mail until I can get things to a manageable level. I'm engaged in a delicate balancing act, trying to find soul nourishing activities that suit my new state of being (which is, alas, not quite my previous normal and may never again be, who can say), trying to give my family all of me that they're entitled to and that I can, and there's a shortfall there, no one is getting as much as they need, including me. I have no spare drop of "me" anywhere, but keep muddling through as best I can, hoping somewhere to find some plateau from which life and energy begin to rise again rather than sinking. I feel like I've reached the end of the strength I had, that I needed to carry me through the experiences of the last year, and now I'm down to that last breath and have to use it wisely.
And that it's time again to turn inward and try to make sense of, and accept, what I've been left with here. So I am a little more vanished than before, but it's neither personal nor do I expect it to be permanent. Just trying to catch my breath.
Peace and Love to you,
~Lune
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 1st, 2006
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8:15 am - adrift
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It feels really strange to be in my skin lately. Like everything wrong in the world is just a tragedy of epic proportions and a total horror. Admittedly oversensitive in general I'm still not used to this magnitude, this long. Usually I wake up the next day and the world's a brighter place. When it gets really bad, I just remember to take my b-vitamin and within hours whatever goes wrong in me that leads to depression when the b-vitamins are low, is levelled out again. This is very different. Post traumatic stress, maybe? Still working my way through the process?
I came out of the whole nearly dying and near-death-experience thing with a renewed, stronger sense of purpose, an awareness that I was here to help these little souls that are my children this go-round to reach their adulthood and their potential as best, as comforted, as protected, as wisely, as carefully, with as much a sense of the benevolence of the universe and their own value, as I am able. That's always been an awareness I've had but this was so much more than that glimmering. I dunno, then life hits you I guess and I spun out of control. Got lost in the darkness along the way and felt really lost and betrayed.
I mean, the other side is SO pleasant, so good, so warm, so perfectly, unconditionally, Loving. And here we are alone, and cold, and the world is cruel, mean, petty.... You have to look so hard to find the good in it. I miss the other side. I think I've never felt so strongly how true it is that for our children, we are the reflection of God and the Universe. Our love for them is a mirror of it, an echo of it, the physical expression of it. If we fail, or even if not, there are others who can be that as well, the extended family and community... somewhere in each life there stands an angel to shine the beauty of the universe and perfect Love, at least, I hope that's true for everyone. As cold, as cruel, as distant from me, as my mom was, there were angels in my life too. But what our parents reflect for us does colour the picture, and mine were.... distant. One literally so by space and the other mentally and emotionally so. And my sense of the love and benevolence of the universe wars with a feeling that maybe it just really doesn't give a damn.
This whole experience these last months has been quite a ride, emotionally. Every petty cruelty makes me want to run back into the Universe's embrace and straight out of this life. Which is really quite silly when I think about it. To feel... betrayed... because I may have lived but have so many physical problems living feels like such a burden at times; betrayed because there's no support system for me here, the only family near is a mother who abandons me routinely; to feel like a hurt three year old because my parents are both so trapped in their own issues... beyond their control... so that I am left feeling I have none; that my dad has more to say about me, to others, than he has to say to me, apparently, same as my mom (though his isn't negative, as hers is, I still feel bummed he doesn't answer my emails but tells others what was in them). To find personally scarring and horrific every meanness I witness. Scared. Resentful. Depressed. Unloved.
Until my daughter puts her hand on my shoulder as I'm explaining something to her, saying, "I know, I know" in that soft, wise little voice she gets sometimes, so wise beyond herself. (She's not supposed to feel like she has to take care of me, at four, dammit!) Until my son beams at me with the brightness of the Sun just thrilled to pieces to be here on this plane with me at this moment. Or hoping to charm dinner out of me. Whichever. They are wonderful, fantastic, beautiful little souls. And that inner child who is still healing from the years of disappointments and heartbreak from her parents and the meanness of the world has to give way to the whole being who is all of me, connected back to the source, to be their Mommy, and to remember.... that the distance from the source, the sense we have of being on this side, or that, of the veil, is only an illusion. We're always in the embrace of the Universe, we just forget.
But there is something else coming clear, here, like never before. And that is that we are all parts of the one whole. Cells in a universal body. Atoms of matter in the whole. And each cruelty does affect us all. It ripples out and touches, colours, the whole picture. Like an infection, or a virus, it spreads. So do acts of beauty, kindness, and love. The two are rippling across the whole. Shaping our reality.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 29th, 2006
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11:52 am
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| Your Aura is Blue |
 Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart.
You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.
Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor. |
http://ynr.blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourauraquiz/
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
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2:39 pm
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| What Your Soul Really Looks Like |
 You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget.
You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds.
You believe that people see you as a bit small and insignificant. People pay more attention to you than you think.
Your near future is in a very different place (both physically and mentally) from where you are right now.
For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust. |
Inside the Room of Your Soul
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 17th, 2006
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8:49 am - never enough time
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Trying to do a year+'s worth of accumulated to-do asap because it's all beyond living with this way anymore... well, I railed against it every step of the way but dh could only keep up with so much, yada yada yada. And of course it took a year+ to get here, it's not going away over night. And WHY is it i have to get sick everytime a new bug even thinks about going around? It's playing hell with trying to get anything done. And allergies... don't get me started. Sleep's an issue too, with one thing and another haven't had a decent night's sleep in some time. But at least I'm slowly catching up now so am not as out of it as I have been. most days. But I'm doing the best I can and trying to take pleasure in small accomplishments.
All is not well on the parenting front. I am having to accept that I cannot control everything that happens to them and I really don't like that. I try to be so careful, that everyone knows I do not want them hit and where we are on the big issues and why.... and when I was in the hospital, and they were with family, I just had to hope.. .and trust. Well, shit happens... people fail us, and I'm having some real issues with this these days. Just got to where I could process it I guess..? I neither want to spell out in exact detail nor trivialize, but I am having severe problems with feeling like I failed Sahara because a series of things at the top of my list for not having happen in her life all have. If I could look at it and see that, well, it happened but she's ok, it would be one thing. But she's not really. When she remembers it and I know that time is on her mind because she mentions something about it, she acts really off those days.
It is so effing HARD to be human.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
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8:56 am
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I'm feeling myself take on some unpleasant qualities of the company I keep, and that's always a weird feeling. Whether just an empathic quality or general human nature, it happens, and is one of many reasons why I try to form boundaries for where I hang out.. and when I quietly fade into the silent darkness again. I've overstayed. Felt like the more I struggled against an energy not at all unlike school yard bullying - well, except that we're all consenting adults - the more I channeled it and echoed it. So, t'hell with it. Time for another break.
It's really annoying but keeps coming up to be learned (for me), that the more you struggle the more embroiled you become by what you're resisting. So, like the kids in the vine scene in Harry Potter, you just stop.
Give it nothing, it has nothing to cling to.
Well, it ticks me off because what I'm struggling against is usually ticking me off so to become it is freaking annoying beyond measure. But, I opt not to have stronger shields and thus maintain what empathy I can, viewing it as a gift... well, a curse too, but ultimately a gift I'd rather keep than not.
And... when you give it NO energy, instead treat it like it doesn't exist, and put your energy into positive things, even its opposite, well then, for you it doesn't exist, does it. And you balance a wrong, in a way, simply by being the counterbalance rather than going over to the negative side and wrestling in the mud with pigs.... goodness, what is that siggy the woman on the tree board has... arguing with your ex is like wrestling in the mud with a pig, the more you do it, the more you realize the pig enjoys it...? I forget now, but something like that. Some people are just like that (exes or not). And then we all have our days.... myself included.
It gets to be too much, and I'm not enjoying it, so it's time call a halt.
I just started coming across that method, of giving something positive energy, instead, this past year. Things like: instead of sitting around griping about the state of the world, find a way to impact the world in a positive way - like this: http://www.one.org/About.html or this: http://www.progressivedinnerparty.org/ or any of soooo many others. Not that I think we shouldn't say something about the negative stuff, but I feel that there's an intriguing truth (imo) within the concept of, essentially, taking a negative and making it a positive this way. Changing the energy.
Hmmm, where's the mood icon for self righteous psychotic freak of a new age flower child? Quixotic is the closest I can get.
current mood:  quixotic
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
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2:35 am - one last shoe box
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Sometimes, life becomes defined by moments. Some piece of yourself freezes, suspended in time, never to grow beyond that point. Like a scratch on a record that emotion holds, playing endlessly that section, that slice of your life. And some say the longer you avoid dealing with it the louder it reverbates throughout your aura.
Somehow, despising that aspect of myself for "deserving" what occurred, I find myself perilously close to becoming the monster They say what we struggle against we become. The more energy we give it, the more it takes us over. The more we think on it the more we attract it.
I don't want to think of my mom at all but in a way it sets up this negative vibe of magnetization....
Somewhere lost inside me in some dusty shoebox in a spider webbed corner is a lost little child screaming and crying for a mom that doesn't care and never comes.... will never come.
Somehow I have to stop hating her and reach out to her. In a way my kids have been edging me toward this. Sahara is of the age now, or older, that I was then. It breaks some thought processes open and makes me re-examine that yeah, I didn't really deserve Mom's hatred and thus everything she told me was a lie. I wasn't the most horrible child in the world, that she didn't know why she was cursed with us, etc, etc, etc. Intellectually it's possible to know that and still hate yourself and not completely believe it because somewhere down deep you're still holding that pain.
I need to find her and tell her it's ok to stop crying now. We're safe, and so very done with that bullshit. That it was ok to be little, and make mistakes little four and five year olds make, that it doesn't make you the devil, just a little child.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
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9:22 am - meanness
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Why do we have such a need to tear people down? I don't mean the thoughtless, foot in the mouth kinds of things, because those are unintentional.... but the mean spirited, hurtful, deliberate shredding... why...? I don't think I'll ever understand. I keep trying... sometimes, intellectually, I'll think I know it, but I don't really "get" it...
Sometimes I start to write something and I "feel" that if I send that ugliness to someone, they're going to turn around and take it out on someone else... their little child, the next message board poster, someone... We never know what the person on the other side of the screen is dealing with either. Whether absolutely everything else is wrong in their life and what they're doing at that second - whether shopping, message board posting, whatever - is how they're escaping it for that moment and having just one more person be mean to them is the last straw beyond what they can take... last straw they will ever take.
Spin it any way you want, when it comes down to it we're all monkeys in the zoo, taking it out on the next guy littler than us. And I'm so sick to death of the bullying. Laughing at others. Putting them down. Can't we all just get along?
If we can't find peace in our homes, in our families, on our message boards... what hope does world peace ever have?
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
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8:37 pm
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Semi-cat
46% Cattitude, 66% Catendencies |
| Your human and feline natures are fairly balanced, with the result that people around you may suspect that you're a cat in human form, but will never find enough proof. If you work at it, the full power of your ailuric ancestry will surely be unveiled. |
The Feline Incarnation Test
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=12662133215095282824
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(comment on this)
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2:15 am
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| Saturday, May 20th, 2006
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3:44 am
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Your Geek Profile:
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| Gamer Geekiness: Highest |
| Academic Geekiness: High |
| Geekiness in Love: High |
| Fashion Geekiness: Moderate |
| Internet Geekiness: Moderate |
| Music Geekiness: Moderate |
| SciFi Geekiness: Moderate |
| Movie Geekiness: Low |
| General Geekiness: None |
How Geeky Are You?
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
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8:52 pm
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I've been in a pretty bad place the last few days. Just got completely overwhelmed with things and have to force myself to do what I have to do... sometimes I just can't. Keep telling dh it's a problem and he's not hearing what I'm saying. I know this is going to seem like it's because of online things but that's really peripheral, kinda kept me going in spite of things while I go through the motions of life.
Fact is, it's a bunch of real life junk. My baby sis is heaven knows where, she and I have always been really close and I can't stand it and I mope when I know she's in trouble (or think she is) but can't contact her and hear how things are... help her... etc. This is the one with the son Sahara's age and younger daughter. The only news I've had of her in months is all spun through my mother's sick, frantic mind. Which helps not at all. WHY my mom isn't helping her, knowing or thinking things are as bad as she does... is just because... it's mom.
Then dh is letting me down on some around the house stuff that I just cannot physically do yet. I tried, and hurt myself pretty badly. It's been several days and I'm still in pain, that whole area the kidney was removed from just all achy and aggravated. Who'd've thought lifting stuff from the floor would be such a problem? Not even that heavy... so then he tells me, time and again, that he'll do it and he doesn't, so that I'm just so frustrated with him, the situation, my self for being human, the pain... *sigh* I'm frozen until he gets it done, I can't go on with the stuff I *can do until he does his part. We're mismatched that way, or well matched, depending.. he's the dreamer and I'm the doer, the one who figures things out and keeps things together (never thought I'd be in that situation, I was always the dreamer... but somewhere along the way I became my own opposite to balance him, I guess). And I just didn't have time or space in my life for this whole c-section and surgery mess. There's just no one here to step in and take up the slack of what I can't do, that he doesn't even think to. And his short term memory is almost non-existent for things he doesn't decide for himself to do. SO exasperating.. so very, very frustrating and disheartening.
And my wee-est munchkin has found it too hot to nap the last three days, so that he is aggravated and cranky all afternoon until it finally cools off enough to sleep. He and I are in and out of the tub and shower, trying to just survive it, and the preschooler plays in the tub all afternoon, herself. And it's not even summer yet, yikes. He's been teething, too. He's up to six, now. The two front ones then one to one side, on top and bottom.
And WHY do they not have swings wind up any more? Ours is battery operated and it SUCKS. It drinks batteries like mad, so wasteful. Not to mention it works for a couple days then I'm out of batteries again, which is aggravating when nothing else is working to try to get him to sleep. Almost had dh drive him around last night to get him to sleep but instead got his bouncer back out and bounced him a bit, poor tired baby fell right to sleep.
He SO wants to be crawling around on the floor getting into his sister's toys. And his face is so expressive, he makes it so obvious he wants her toys, he wants down... or wants our food and drink...
I'm just completely wrapped up in the little guy, sometimes I worry about that taking away from Sahara. We spent some time just cuddling her yesterday, a good long time, first time she's really had that since before Connor was born. First there was the two weeks she was at my sisters while I was in the hospital, then I was constantly in pain,she's too big and has no concept of how not to hurt me, so does, so I can't cuddle her very long before I'm in such dreadful pain, etc, etc... and she's been so emotionally fragile. It's been a slow road back. And we're not "there" yet. But yesterday, after a while, I started to see some of my sweet girl again. Gave hope it was possible. After so long, I was starting to wonder.
She's toning down some as I'm feeling better, stronger, so we met in the middle.
I considered taking some pictures earlier, but ended up not. I turned on the camera and it said it was full. Now, I know I left it empty, so I flipped through it. Sahara had taken a bunch of shots one morning when she woke up before us. She has us sleeping, her brother's little elbow, the yard through the window, a close up of her smile, to show her lost tooth, one of her face that's precious with soft edges, like another one she took of herself that's one of my favorites... and a whole bunch of short videos that seem to have happened by accident, she must have clicked it over to the wrong setting. It was cute.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 15th, 2006
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9:24 pm
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An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a
pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in
it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion
of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the
cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home
only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor
cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it
could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to
leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"
"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them." "For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
So, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to
smell the flowers on your side of the path.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 14th, 2006
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9:36 am
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So I recently went ahunting for the troll on the AP board. Like so many things in life, the journey itself has more value than the destination... because I learned that through time, mothers who'd shared their worst wounds on that board were attacked similarly. Their deepest pains used as points on which to attack them. And the tendency would be to think that for someone to be so ill as to do these things, it would most probably be the same person. Except on a totally unrelated board, mothers who have lost their children are being stalked, having the same kinds of comments posted to them off-board and on, even on their blogs they use to help them deal with, and chronicle, their journey. The SAME types of comments.
In a weird, roundabout journey I went onto another board I know that I haven't posted on in over a year, and saw there someone I know posting that he'd just gotten email from some slimy, spineless jerk telling him "we don't want you around our board, you should be dead" etc... the SAME comments, or same kinds of comments, appearing in the lives of the women mentioned above.
What the hell is going on?
Are there really so many people THAT sick in the world that you can find at least one on every board?
Or is there something spiritual underlying this?
I've often said this seems to be more an attack on community, on sources of support and Love, than on an individual. The focus... the purpose... is to divide community, break apart friendships, and isolate us. And nowhere does that work best but on our must vulnerable... parents who have lost a child, whose child has been severely, terrifyingly ill.
A long time ago an Elder and teacher mentioned that gates had recently been opened and negative energy beings had poured through. And they'd be attacking us, if they couldn't get to us directly they'd be trying to work through our friends and family.
In the time since, I've remembered those words many times, as I feel I have faced this time and again... at times from my own family. In sitting here this morning comparing the situations, the words... the essence behind the words... the intent is always the same: Pain, isolation, to cause negative feelings and if possible, self inflicted death.
I am strongly, strongly suggesting this is not so much a battle with people, but a battle of spirit. That the people we can identify who are saying these things are being used, like puppets. Maybe they walk to close to the edge, anyway, and tend to be mean, puffed up with themselves, feeling superior and eager to bully, so that this behavior from them doesn't immediately set off alarm bells... and they're easy to use.
Wherever they can, however they can, was what this Elder, this teacher, was trying to share, trying to warn. Even our own family.
I also suggest that whatever spiritual sources of protection and support you lean on, whatever god, whether you pray or light candles or shield to deal with spiritual attack... that this is the response needed. As is Love, if you can manage it, for those who are being used, who in a time of clear head would most probably be horrified at what they are doing and how it makes others feel. And, wherever you can, however you can, just firmly shut the door against this kind of attack, and allow it to make you feel no negative emotion. For, at the spirit level, it needs negative emotion to fuel it and keep it coming. That's what it's there for.
I find my tendency here would be to run, to stop having anything to do with the internet communities.... and that in itself is a win for this energy, if we all who have felt this withdraw from the community as a result, as it delivers its goal - a destruction of a source of support, Love, and community.
I'm going to post this a few places, and I know some will look at it and think I'm way "out there." That's ok, if you don't get it, chances are, you don't need it.... hopefully it comes back to you later if you ever do.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 8th, 2006
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1:33 am
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| Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
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12:19 am - wish I had something succinct
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but I'm pretty upset atm.
I don't expect anyone to know or care, I just need to vent.
Thought a dear old friend stuck a dagger in me recently. Told myself she just didn't mean it that way. But I was deluding myself to think I'd "dealt" with it.... it worked in deep and colored everything I saw her say after that. So easy for us to kid ourselves... And everything had an evil impish chorus of rah-rah no matter how negative it seemed, from someone else outside the situation who seems to thrive on mean-ness. Hindsight being twenty-twenty, after I finally lost my temper with the one imp, and then with the old friend, when she told me I sucked....then I a lot of it colored by my not-dealt-with-after-all hurt over what I'd thought she'd said (how do you not take it personal when you say _____ hasn't killed anyone in your family, she says "----?" - the topic is obviously what's killed your family, right? Guess not....) And she most definitely did do exactly what I thought she'd done to me, to others, realistically I don't feel "off" in mistakenly thinking it more of the same. *sigh* Now I'm on filter for being upset and misjudging her. :( It's ok for her to email me about how I suck and then again about not wanting me in her life, but not ok to talk it out. :(
In a perfect world I think I would have said, at that first moment: you can't be refering to ---? and she'd've said: omg, no! and that'd be that. So much for trying to let things slide off.
Hey, I think I like it better when I'm the outcast freak everyone treats like a leper. Then you expect them to not want to talk to you other than to torture you and not care how you feel about what they said that hurt you.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 22nd, 2006
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5:59 am
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~avdsjw/kabbala/
Kabballah Numerology - Relation and Love Calculater
I get double 7, Steel gets 4 and 9.
7 Love and Marriage: A seven is often called a 'flirt'. That is not right, although these people should not marry before their twentieth when their character and desires haven't fully developed.
They are mentally and physically very active causing them to lead a varying existence. They meet more people than all others do excluding number 5. Often they marry more than once, but once they're married they will not seek for distraction outside the marriage.
Ever since their youth they're confronted with the parting of friends and beloved, even with death. They often have to take responsibility at an early age.
7 Character: Mysterious and holy
Qualities:
Wisdom, balance, fulfillment, development and endurance.
Their philosophy and convictions will be ahead of their time, they love knowledge and appreciate it above all other things. Their longing for isolation may lead to their downfall. Normal amusement is nothing for them, they're more interested in bigger issues of life. Time is wasted by gathering knowledge without using or sharing it. Sevens should meet more people in order to avoid a lonely old age.
dh:
4 Love and Marriage: Because of your sensitive and warm nature you are strongly drawn to marriage, but your judgement is not always good and your choice may get you into trouble. Your path will be troubled by envy and evil of others. You have a tendency to take other people to literally.
You are attracted by a dominating active partner, but there is also a side of your character that won't take orders from anyone. From time to time this may lead to some domestic friction. Your partner should take interest in occult matters and keep you interested by his or her great intellect.
9 Character: Perfect and unlimited
Qualities:
Perfectionism, discretion, great intellect, understanding.
A 9 knows how to use his/her knowledge and are equipped with a brilliant mind. Because of their friendliness and helpfulness they never take advantage of others. They are very honest and take consideration of others. Their understanding makes them good friends. Although they have high principles they don't feel elevated. They should learn to have self discipline and to concentrate on their work. Their natural gifts should be used.
summary: About Harmony: (Based upon the numbers of love and marriage.)
The numbers are passive, no special influences expected with this combination, neither positive nor negative.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 20th, 2006
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11:29 pm
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| Your IQ | 
Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average
Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius
Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average
Your General Knowledge is Exceptional |
This comes with an IQ number, which I 1) found inaccurate according to more indepth tests I've taken and 2) don't believe in publishing everywhere anyway, so I just deleted that portion of the code before posting. In case anyone finds this intriguing enough to do themselves but would rather not have the number posted either.
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| Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
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9:02 am
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I'm in an odd mood these days. Half enlightened, loving soul, half pissed as hell. Can't decide whether I want to hug everyone or rip them to pieces.
I *think because I'm easily frustrated, I see something and I want it now, like a toddler... well, I saw the top of the mountain, but I have to keep my feet on the ground, not in the clouds, at least not all the time, so that I can pay attention to life things. And then the whole vibrational change itself... what do I do with that, yanno? Sure, I can feel chakras aligning and popping open at will but really... what does one DO with that? Lots to process. Dredged emotions set aside when I was focusing on just getting back on my feet, and all that.
My Connor is six months old. I can't believe it. I felt like that in itself brought up stuff, a need to look back and deal... not particularly helped by needing to finish a scrapbook for one of my sisters and handling those old photographs, of mom, of our family tree, with all its assorted Love and Baggage.
They say high sensitivity is a characteristic of Indigos. So is low sensitivity (cover all the bases, don't they...) but it makes sense... the ones who are more sensitive pick up on things and make noise about it like the proverbial canary. The less sensitive go into the places and bust down the paradigms that their sensitive fellow Indigos wouldn't be able to handle....
I'm pretty sold on this Indigo thing now. All of a sudden I'm seeing it everywhere. I see my next step, when I take it, being to take the Warrior of the Rainbow information and make sense of it for myself also. From the perspective Jamie Sams offers in her Whirling Rainbow prophecy, about being the generation after the flower children, it makes sense... and I have always felt a kinship with it. But I don't really grok it yet.
I see it as all parts of the same whole: Indigo, Warrior of the Rainbow, some other labels too... Taking the human consciousnesses that were before, and edging them into a more balanced alignment.
Sorry if this makes little sense, I'm processing as I type, it isn't whole in my head yet.
Found some cool zen poetry, here: http://www.geocities.com/CapeCanaveral/Campus/4178/Poemsofikkyubankeiandryokan.html The page is yahoo with pop up and annoying ads on the side, but worth the wade....
Many paths lead from
The foot of the mountain
But at the peak
We all gaze at the
Single bright moon
~ Ikkyu
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9:01 am
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| Your Love Life Secrets Are | 
Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love.
Although you may have been hurt before, you tend to bring very little scars into new relationships.
You prefer a quirky, unique person to be your lover. You're easy going about who you're with, as long as they love you back.
In fights, you speak your mind and don't hold back. You know you're right, and you can get quite angry about it.
Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go. |
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wolftyrs's journal
